Well...I had kind of a rought night last night/this morning. Around 2:11am, I had memory flash back to the first day of my senior year last year. This only happened because now I am graduated and everyone is starting school tomorrow..well after that pleasent little flash back, I began to think about my senior year of high school. I have to admit, a lot great things really did happen. I got a great bofriend, I learned a lot about myself, I had some little adventures with my friends. A lot of bad things happened too, though, my bestie and I got into our biggest fight ever and spent a few MONTHS (normally it's just days) not talking to each other, I saw my group begin to fall apart, and I lost a close friend.
Well, this post will be short and to the point. This post is about my early morning, and all of the anger and frustration I have about said lost friend. He just didn't need to go.
At 2:11 this morning I grabbed a piece of paper and began a letter to this friend of mine. I wrote out his full name at the top of the page and started off by telling him that I could not believe that he had left our lives for good. By the time I had written four lines into the letter, I had a few tears rolling down my cheeks.
Let me pause here to say that I do not cry. When something really sad or bad happens and everyone around me is sobbing uncontrollably, I do not cry. There might be one or two tears, but no shortness of breath, no puffy red eyes, no real Crying. I haven't had a real cry in years, if you guys want me to be completely honest.
So there I sat on my bed, writing a letter to this passed friend. I asked him if he would miss getting to walk across the stage as they called out his name to get his diploma. I reminded him of how I used to try and get his silver watch from him every morning..and how our friends referred to that watch as Shannon proof because it took me so long to figure out how to open the clasp. I told him how every morning for the rest of that first month, I would stare at the steps, just waiting for him to come walking up with his morning coffee and give us that same morning smile that he always had on his face.
It was at this point in the letter that I had to stop writing. I could hardly see the paper. Tears poured down my face and I actually cried. For almost ten minuets, I lay on my bed and did my best to control myself.
Later in this letter I told him about Formal and Prom, I talked about how I felt so wrong going to Formal that Janurary without him. I think the group really wanted to keep his memory alive by doing the limo thing again, and then going to the same restaurant. It all kind of failed, that year. But the previous year, when he was there, everything went so smoothly. The limo and then dinner, it was just a great night. He was most certinally on our minds this last time.
In conclusion to this letter, I began to get really honest with him. I told him that for that first week or twwo I didn't feel anything. That I was more numb than sad. Then I blamed myself, but that I no longer did.
It was almost Janurary when a girl asked me how I was doing. I told her I was okay, but then she told me not to feel too bad about what had happened because it wasn't my fault that I had broken his heart and then stomped on it. I asked her what she meant, and she told me that she and his mother had been talking. This lost friends mother, for a day or so, thought he may have been upset with me for breaking his heart. She figured that was why he did what e did. I never told anyone what this girl had said to me. I know that my friends mother doesn't believe this, not anymore at least, and I can't even be sure she believed it in the first place. All I know is that I cannot blame myself for what happened. I have to move on. Life continues and so must I.
My final words in the letter to him said that I missed him, and love him. I told him that he had really impacted me with his life, and that I would never forget him.
You see, people come into our lives for a reason, and each person we interact with helps to shape us a little more. I cared so much about this friend, and when he left..I guess I just refused to believe it. Now, eight months later, I think I am beginning to come to terms with what happened.
Rest in peace, my dear friend. I will always remember you.
3 February 1995 - 4 December 2011
No comments:
Post a Comment