Not Sure What To Call This...Revolution?

I'm feeling very sad. Today has been long and tomorrow will be long and Friday will be long, this whole week is just slowly crawling by, taking its sweet time.

I want to change how my life has turned out. I've make some choices in my life that I shouldn't have. I did some things and hurt some people and now I have to live with the effects. For every actions there is a reaction. I understand that. Now. When something really bad happens to me, I don't generally react to it well. I bottle everything up, and then wait for that last straw so I can explode. I'm sitting here, fighting back tears, exhausted and just basically shaking because I can feel myself about to burst.
I hate crying. I hate it. The end.
I hate being angry and pissed off for no reason.
I hate myself for getting so frustrated over the littlest things.
I am just a ticking time bomb waiting to explode and no one knows when it will happen, or what will set it off; only that when I do burst it will be sudden and ugly and effect everyone around me. It's happened before and it will happen again.

I have changed my life drastically, and I am not the only person who is well aware that I am on the verge of a relapse. The thought of it is hanging in the air like a poison. Temptation is all around me, closer than before. Within reach.
I have been told on multiple occasions that I focus too much on the past. I know I do, and so do the people who know me best. My past is..bad... it's also not going away. Ever. That doesn't mean that I have to dwell on it 24/7 like I have been doing lately. If I tried, I could probably forget all about it and live my life to the fullest, but I don't.
I need to.
I am going to start right now.
I am going to live my life and not waste a moment. Tomorrow I am going to go out with a friend, go to the mall, go into every store, talk to people. I am not going to think about my past or let it bother me. I know that it made me into who I am, but it will not control me any longer! I hope.. It's about time I face up and stop acting like I had the worst life and that I am a badass because of it. I'm not. I am deathly afraid of living, and that fear needs to be tossed out. I'm going to go live my life. Stop being locked up indoors, stop wasting away in front of a computer, stop making up these stupid excuses, I want to live! I'm going to get up early tomorrow and rain or shine, I'm going outside!