I am irritated with my friend. He was suppose to meet me at the mall at 3:30. I called him at 4 and he said that he couldn't make it because his mom told him at 2:30 that he wasn't allowed to go anywhere today....and he just happened to forget to call and tell me that he wasn't going to make it. So I drove half an hour to this mall just to wait around for nothing. What was worse is I couldn't get anything that I was suppose to get done, done! I checked back with Hot Topic and the employees there were confused and less than helpful. It was all very irritating because it was like Bitchy Employee Day or something :/
Also, driving home from my boyfriends, some guy pulled up next to me and kept trying to get my attention and hitting on me and it was really annoying. I had to make a Starbucks run, it was just one of those days. And then!! Pulling out of Starbucks, I almost hit this idiot skateboarder who came out of nowhere! I hit the brakes and was about to yell at him when I recognised his face as one of my exs, needless to say I hit the gas before he could recognise me XD
So...yeah that's about all haha
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Depression and Bliss
Ever realise just how much you love your space? I love being alone. Does that mean that I am depressed? I sleep a lot too..does that mean I am depressed?
I hope not.
I don't feel depressed.
Do I seem depressed?
Do I act depressed?
So what if I like to sleep..
Sleep is good..right?
The reason I am asking is because I have been accused of depression. I had testing done a number of months ago to see if I do suffer from depression (can't remember if I posted about that or not) and they came back saying that I'm not depressed..could that really change in such a short amount of time? I have no reason to be depressed. I have a great boyfriend, things seem to be mended with my bestfrien, my family is being tolerable, I am hanging out with more people, I get out of the house fairly often, I drive plenty, I go to the mall, I eat yummy food, I see movies, I sleep, I smile, I laugh......could I still be depressed even with all of this? I don't understand..
Okay, back on topic. . .
I found out just how much I love to be alone today. I woke up this morning and texted my boyfriend and my best friend and then got out of bed, pulled on my big red T shirt and walked out into the living room. I noticed the quiet and I instantly felt happy. It was silent. My brother at school, my parents in the office, me home alone. House quiet. It was possibly the most blissful moment this week. I just love to be home alone. I can light candles and play my music and just be me without putting up the front for my family or friends, I don't have to do anything that I don't want to, I can just...just relax. Does that make sense, I'm not sure how else to describe how I feel, it's just.....bliss. That's it. Complete and utter bliss. There is no weight on my shoulders or feeling of rush or anything, I'm not being watched and that is possibly the best feeling ever, total freedom. Just. .happiness.
I hope not.
I don't feel depressed.
Do I seem depressed?
Do I act depressed?
So what if I like to sleep..
Sleep is good..right?
The reason I am asking is because I have been accused of depression. I had testing done a number of months ago to see if I do suffer from depression (can't remember if I posted about that or not) and they came back saying that I'm not depressed..could that really change in such a short amount of time? I have no reason to be depressed. I have a great boyfriend, things seem to be mended with my bestfrien, my family is being tolerable, I am hanging out with more people, I get out of the house fairly often, I drive plenty, I go to the mall, I eat yummy food, I see movies, I sleep, I smile, I laugh......could I still be depressed even with all of this? I don't understand..
Okay, back on topic. . .
I found out just how much I love to be alone today. I woke up this morning and texted my boyfriend and my best friend and then got out of bed, pulled on my big red T shirt and walked out into the living room. I noticed the quiet and I instantly felt happy. It was silent. My brother at school, my parents in the office, me home alone. House quiet. It was possibly the most blissful moment this week. I just love to be home alone. I can light candles and play my music and just be me without putting up the front for my family or friends, I don't have to do anything that I don't want to, I can just...just relax. Does that make sense, I'm not sure how else to describe how I feel, it's just.....bliss. That's it. Complete and utter bliss. There is no weight on my shoulders or feeling of rush or anything, I'm not being watched and that is possibly the best feeling ever, total freedom. Just. .happiness.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Balance
Ever have a day where you just feel like everything is going to come tumbling to the ground? Most people call those bad days. I have a lot of them. This isn't what my post is about though. I can deal with bad days, I have them so often that bad days are more like normal days so I guess it could be argued that I don't actually have bad days, only good days and normal days. Right?
Well, I am here to talk about balance. Not the balance missing from my check book, or the balance needed to be steady on a beam in the Olympics, no..I am talking about inner balance, the peace that comes with being centered internally, emotionally, mentally, etc.
For the past month my balance has been very off. I didn't notice much at first, but now I am realising just how off center I really am. When I am off balance I get worse headaches, random pains, memory flash backs, nightmares, I forget more, zone out more, I become more tired and fatigued, easily winded and worse of all......I come off as indifferent about everything, and must work 10X as hard to show how I really feel about things going on around me. I don't generally geet like this for extended periods of time, perhaps a day or two at most. Now that I think aout it, I have been off balance for this entire month, and probably for part of last month as well.
Normally I just wait it out, but this time..man, you guys, this time it is bad, almost like a depression or something. I just have no energy and I feel sad al the time, but I'm not depressed! I can't stress this enough, I'm not depressed, just.......off balance. I must sound like I am in denial to you people, but I'm not!!
Also, I discovered that I am a milkaholic. Yes, that's right, I am addicted to milk. I have drank gallons of the stuff this past week and I just felt like sharing that little bit of information haha
Okay, I'm bored now so Ima lay down and curl up in my bed and be happy now, k? Okay! :D Night y'all!!!
Well, I am here to talk about balance. Not the balance missing from my check book, or the balance needed to be steady on a beam in the Olympics, no..I am talking about inner balance, the peace that comes with being centered internally, emotionally, mentally, etc.
For the past month my balance has been very off. I didn't notice much at first, but now I am realising just how off center I really am. When I am off balance I get worse headaches, random pains, memory flash backs, nightmares, I forget more, zone out more, I become more tired and fatigued, easily winded and worse of all......I come off as indifferent about everything, and must work 10X as hard to show how I really feel about things going on around me. I don't generally geet like this for extended periods of time, perhaps a day or two at most. Now that I think aout it, I have been off balance for this entire month, and probably for part of last month as well.
Normally I just wait it out, but this time..man, you guys, this time it is bad, almost like a depression or something. I just have no energy and I feel sad al the time, but I'm not depressed! I can't stress this enough, I'm not depressed, just.......off balance. I must sound like I am in denial to you people, but I'm not!!
Also, I discovered that I am a milkaholic. Yes, that's right, I am addicted to milk. I have drank gallons of the stuff this past week and I just felt like sharing that little bit of information haha
Okay, I'm bored now so Ima lay down and curl up in my bed and be happy now, k? Okay! :D Night y'all!!!
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Smoking Liars!!!! ...just a little rant..
I had a pretty okay day today. I went to the mall with my boyfriend, turned in a few applications, got a few applications, just kinda goin through life, you know? I also saw an old friend. . .wanted to kick his ass..
Does honestly and loyalty mean anything to teenagers now a days? I'm serious!! Okay so this old friend and I, we decided to quit smoking together, right? Cause you should have a buddy to quit with so you can have someone to talk to about the cravings and the shaking and the sleep loss and everything..well..I saw him today and he hugged me and I smelled smoke. It was faint and I wasn't sure it was really him or not so I asked him, "hey, have you been smoking?"
He gave me the look. Now I know this look. It's the "Oh shit! I just got busted!!" look. His response? "Maybe..just a little..." -.- you don't smoke just maybe just a little -.- you smoke one then another then another and another and it is hard to stop. Especially when you're off of cigarettes for as long as we were. Inhale the smoke and hold it in your lungs and it is a drug, I swear, that you can never get enough of. Now I want to smoke. The smell is on my clothes. It doesn't help that my boyfriends parents smoke, so I can almost taste it when I see them outside smoking..and now I am thinking about it and my hands are starting to shake........not good. Okay, so..anyway. I am pissed at said friend, so I am going to try to find time to hang out with him so I can beat some sense into him.
Oh! I punched (gently) him. It was just enough to let him know that the discussion wasn't over and we would talk about it later. I called him an asshole and we parted ways. I talked to him on facebook. Very short conversation. Basically, he just felt like it -.- I don't believe him. I am going to find out what the hell is going on in his head. Oh yeah, and that coloring book I'm making for him..I have to completely remake it because It was based on our relationships. Maybe I should give it to him anyways just to remind his sorry ass that he threw away the best thing he ever got. Sorry, that was on a completely different note, I don't expect you guys to understand that. Just a thought that passed through my head and 20 drawing now gone to waste. Nothing important >.> grr him. . .
Yeah so that is my rant of the day. Lates Y'all!!! :D Hope you have a great day/night and come to visit realy soon! . . . wow I felt so country hilbilly redneck typing that out XD BYE!!!!! ^-^
Does honestly and loyalty mean anything to teenagers now a days? I'm serious!! Okay so this old friend and I, we decided to quit smoking together, right? Cause you should have a buddy to quit with so you can have someone to talk to about the cravings and the shaking and the sleep loss and everything..well..I saw him today and he hugged me and I smelled smoke. It was faint and I wasn't sure it was really him or not so I asked him, "hey, have you been smoking?"
He gave me the look. Now I know this look. It's the "Oh shit! I just got busted!!" look. His response? "Maybe..just a little..." -.- you don't smoke just maybe just a little -.- you smoke one then another then another and another and it is hard to stop. Especially when you're off of cigarettes for as long as we were. Inhale the smoke and hold it in your lungs and it is a drug, I swear, that you can never get enough of. Now I want to smoke. The smell is on my clothes. It doesn't help that my boyfriends parents smoke, so I can almost taste it when I see them outside smoking..and now I am thinking about it and my hands are starting to shake........not good. Okay, so..anyway. I am pissed at said friend, so I am going to try to find time to hang out with him so I can beat some sense into him.
Oh! I punched (gently) him. It was just enough to let him know that the discussion wasn't over and we would talk about it later. I called him an asshole and we parted ways. I talked to him on facebook. Very short conversation. Basically, he just felt like it -.- I don't believe him. I am going to find out what the hell is going on in his head. Oh yeah, and that coloring book I'm making for him..I have to completely remake it because It was based on our relationships. Maybe I should give it to him anyways just to remind his sorry ass that he threw away the best thing he ever got. Sorry, that was on a completely different note, I don't expect you guys to understand that. Just a thought that passed through my head and 20 drawing now gone to waste. Nothing important >.> grr him. . .
Yeah so that is my rant of the day. Lates Y'all!!! :D Hope you have a great day/night and come to visit realy soon! . . . wow I felt so country hilbilly redneck typing that out XD BYE!!!!! ^-^
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Confusion and Rants
Hey y'all..so let's talk religion. I'm not going to say "Hey! Bible Bible Bible Jesus Jesus God Hell Bible!!!" I'm talking more about how much emotion religions can stir up. There is so much conflict and confusion going on in the world, and has anyone else ever noticed that so much of it is reliion based? It is rediculous! I am very uncertian about my beliefs, so I am reading the Bible, little bits at a time and so far it hasn't been too hateful. The bad thing is, I talk to my boyfriend about it and he is Christian and he is scared to death that I will end up in Hell and he won't have me anymore. I don't want to leave him and I am now scared that by me not being entirely sure about my own religious beliefs I may be effecting his. The whole mess is confusing and emotionally draining, not to mention spiritually draining. I read Psalms1 today and it talked a lot about how believers shouldn't sit wiht nonbelievers and I am beginning to understand why..we rub off on each other. My doubts are starting to become his doubts and it scares me to think that people so easily change. I know I have changed over the years, my cousins have changed my brothers have changed, my friends have changed..people change. I get that.
More confusion is college applications and that whole freakin process. I am trying to apply to The California Art Institute-Los Angeles, right? I have been trying to apply there for about a week or so now, still haven't finished the process. I have a great person helping me through it, it is just that we are moving at such a slow pace and part of that is my fault and part of that is her or my parents or just the computer. But I had to write and essay, no big deal. I had to print out and sign like 6 or 7 documents, not too bad, scan them, send them back. It is setting up the appointments and finding a date and tie that works for all of us..then filling out the actual application itself ("may take an hour to complete" my @ss!!!! took me almost 2 hours!!) which was filled with complex language and asked me for certian information 5 or 6 times, why did I have to type in my street adress 4 times? I don't understand..
Another thing! Jobs. Why does the job hunt take so long? Been looking for a few months now and still not even an interview. Sucks!! I am 18 years old and I can work basically any hours I am given! I just want $8/hour. Not asking for anything special here, just whatever I can take..
Last, but not least. Weather. WHY IS IT SO COLD!!!!??!!!! I am sitting in my room in sweats, knee high socks, long sleeve shirt, thick jacket, and still shivvering. Not okay, man!
That's about it, just wanted to rant a little. Lates Y'all, Post again soon!! :D
More confusion is college applications and that whole freakin process. I am trying to apply to The California Art Institute-Los Angeles, right? I have been trying to apply there for about a week or so now, still haven't finished the process. I have a great person helping me through it, it is just that we are moving at such a slow pace and part of that is my fault and part of that is her or my parents or just the computer. But I had to write and essay, no big deal. I had to print out and sign like 6 or 7 documents, not too bad, scan them, send them back. It is setting up the appointments and finding a date and tie that works for all of us..then filling out the actual application itself ("may take an hour to complete" my @ss!!!! took me almost 2 hours!!) which was filled with complex language and asked me for certian information 5 or 6 times, why did I have to type in my street adress 4 times? I don't understand..
Another thing! Jobs. Why does the job hunt take so long? Been looking for a few months now and still not even an interview. Sucks!! I am 18 years old and I can work basically any hours I am given! I just want $8/hour. Not asking for anything special here, just whatever I can take..
Last, but not least. Weather. WHY IS IT SO COLD!!!!??!!!! I am sitting in my room in sweats, knee high socks, long sleeve shirt, thick jacket, and still shivvering. Not okay, man!
That's about it, just wanted to rant a little. Lates Y'all, Post again soon!! :D
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Old People Young People and Me
So...I was driving to my church down this busy street called Shaw, and the speed limit where I was driving was 40MPH. Right? So I come to a red light behind this elderly couple and their dusty little white car. Light turns green and a few seconds pass by, they don't move, now I wasn't really in a rush but the light was green for quite some time and they were just starting to move so I was getting a little irritated, right? Well they finally inch forward and then BAM! They hit the gas and I am following them like some idiot thinking they are going like 30 or something, I look down at my speed, cause by now I figure out that we hit two green lights in a row and are still speeding up. I'm going almost 65, and this elderly couple is speeding away..I slowed down to the speed limit and they just raced throught the lights, hit every single light on a green while I got stuck at a red. I must learn their secret, being old like that, I think they have the lights timed out perfectly due to experience or something. ANyways, thought I would share that little adventure I had with the elderly people.
Now, I told you all about how I am helping out in AWANA, right? Being a Sparks helper/leader person, yeah? Well tonight was my first night there and I was super excited, I got a great group of kids, they're all so sweet, and there is this little boy there who I swear just melts my heart because he is so small and cute and adorable and I love him lol I only have a problem with the game time..it is chaos. The kids are next to impossible to control and there is this one little boy who runs around and stomps on my feet and I have no idea what I am going to do with him. Otherwise, I love it!
One last note, I decided to start reading the Bible. I know even mentioning religion or the Bible or God or whatever scares a lot of people away, but I just...I don't know, I had this sudden urge to learn more and actually read the book for once. My boyfriend is a Christian so I asked him to read through the Bible with me. Tonight we are doing Psalms 1, maybe Psalms 2 as well, I'm not sure yet, we'll see how it goes. I will try to post on here what I figure out, maybe make an entirely new blog about just what I find out lol wich I think I might do..hmmmm...the possiblities..Okay, so that is all for now, I think, I will post again soon! :D Lates y'all!
Now, I told you all about how I am helping out in AWANA, right? Being a Sparks helper/leader person, yeah? Well tonight was my first night there and I was super excited, I got a great group of kids, they're all so sweet, and there is this little boy there who I swear just melts my heart because he is so small and cute and adorable and I love him lol I only have a problem with the game time..it is chaos. The kids are next to impossible to control and there is this one little boy who runs around and stomps on my feet and I have no idea what I am going to do with him. Otherwise, I love it!
One last note, I decided to start reading the Bible. I know even mentioning religion or the Bible or God or whatever scares a lot of people away, but I just...I don't know, I had this sudden urge to learn more and actually read the book for once. My boyfriend is a Christian so I asked him to read through the Bible with me. Tonight we are doing Psalms 1, maybe Psalms 2 as well, I'm not sure yet, we'll see how it goes. I will try to post on here what I figure out, maybe make an entirely new blog about just what I find out lol wich I think I might do..hmmmm...the possiblities..Okay, so that is all for now, I think, I will post again soon! :D Lates y'all!
Monday, October 8, 2012
Frozen.
Today I froze. I stopped and took time to think through my life. I tried to imagin my life without certian people. I tried to imagine my life if I let others back in. I froze.
"Somebody asked me if I knew you. A million memories flashed through my mind but I just smiled and said I used to."
Less than a handful of you who are reading this will understand exactly what I mean when I say that a lot of people have left my life, and will not be returning. I'm not just talking about death, though I have lost many like that, no, I am saying people walked out of my life, and if they didn't walk out of my life then I walked out of theirs. Well, today I really thought about what my life would be like now if I hadn't let those people walk away, if I hadn't walked out on them, if I had never lot anyone.
I bet you are thinking "That sounds wonderful, to keep everyone in your life, never lose those friends who are closest to you!" but no. I walked out on one of my closest friends because I realized that she was pulling me towards a dangerous path. A path that I knew I would never be able to escape..a path I had already started walking side by side with her. Now, not even my best friend knows this, I never had the heart to tell her that I walked away from my previous best friend. The girl I loved so dearly..You see, my current best friend already believes that we are not going to last, she is waiting for us to drift apart. She blogged about it, texted me about it, she doesn't cry over it anymore, we don't really fight over it anymore, I just let her think what she wants to and hope that I can stick around without hurting her more than I already have. I could never tell her that I walked out on that girl I was close to. Let's call her Taylor. Now, Taylor hadn't been my best friend for very long, but she and I had this bond, and I was in love with everything about her the moment we first met. I didn't befriend her that first meeting, but a few years into our friendship, something happened. We shared a common loss, one of our dearest and closeest friends (my best friend at the time) had passed away in a crash. That was when Taylor and I got closer, she wasn't just a super close friend anymore, I realized that we had been best friends without ever labeling it. I seperaated myself from everyone except for her. I dated guys and when I found myself in a specific relationship about a month after our loss and Taylor was completely against. When I met him, I started leaving her, he was showing me everything that she was doing to me. I drank a lot with her, smoked a lot, cussed a lot..She was getting into drugs more and more, there was a lot of illegal activity that I hadn't been aware of. He was like my angel showing me the darkness she was trying to keep hidden from me. I started leaving her, but I was having difficulty staying away. Finially one night he and I went to a party, she was there..she had changed so much, it had been a while since I had last seen her, and now she looked..she looked broken. We fought, yelled, screamed, it was horrible. I told her that I hated her, I don't hate her, not now, I have so many fond memories with her, but those are memories and nothing more. I walked out of her life that night, I replay that night over and over, torturing myself with it, but I finally understand what truely happened.
"Just because we aren't close anymore doesn't mean I don't I don't care about you."
The point of all this is that I can't take back my past, I can't undo what has been done. There is no going back in time, there is no changing where you have been. We can only move on, go forward and understand that sometimes people leave, sometimes people die, sometimes we have to walk away from someone we love so much that it kills us to leave, but we have to make these choices, the hard choices. Sometimes, we just have to do things on our own. No looking back. I have accepted my life for what it is, I made a number of small stupid choices that entirely changed my life. I know that now, I am accepting that.
"Don't judge me for my past, I don't live there anymore."
So I froze. I think too much sometimes and it can change my entire mood. I thought some more about the different guys I have dated. My type of guy has always been Older. If a guy was older tha me, he was okay to date. Looking back, that hasn't exactly been the greatest kind of guy to be interested in. I ended up being abused in every way imaginable, mentally, verbally, physically, emotionally; I was cheated on; I was cheated with, some of those guys were married!! The nerve of! Well..anyway. hinking back on my life, I don't mind it all. I learned so much through those guys, I put up walls, yes, but I also learned to take down those walls sometimes. I learned that life is like an adventure, and that I deserve better than what I got. Now I have a great guy, and I don't deserve him, but I am so happy he sticks around anyway.
"The more boys I meet the more I realize that you are the one I want to be with."
I froze. I thought about everything. College. High School. Family. Friends. Money. Finances. Food. Jobs. Everything. It is difficult to consider where I am going and where my life is headed, but I know where I have come from and I know where I stand. I have plently of friends. Best friend. Boyfriend. Past friends. Good friends. Hyper friends. Not so friendly friends. Frienemies. Passed friends.
"I still remember the first day I met you."
I figured I would leave you guys now with this one last quote, it really is a good one. I have plently of scars so it seems fitting. I will blog again soon, hopefully. Anyways I hope you enjoyed this post, it was a pain to write and I had to stop a million times because my family needed me. Later!!
"Don't let past relationships ruin your future happiness, scars remind us of where we've been, not where we are going."
"Somebody asked me if I knew you. A million memories flashed through my mind but I just smiled and said I used to."
Less than a handful of you who are reading this will understand exactly what I mean when I say that a lot of people have left my life, and will not be returning. I'm not just talking about death, though I have lost many like that, no, I am saying people walked out of my life, and if they didn't walk out of my life then I walked out of theirs. Well, today I really thought about what my life would be like now if I hadn't let those people walk away, if I hadn't walked out on them, if I had never lot anyone.
I bet you are thinking "That sounds wonderful, to keep everyone in your life, never lose those friends who are closest to you!" but no. I walked out on one of my closest friends because I realized that she was pulling me towards a dangerous path. A path that I knew I would never be able to escape..a path I had already started walking side by side with her. Now, not even my best friend knows this, I never had the heart to tell her that I walked away from my previous best friend. The girl I loved so dearly..You see, my current best friend already believes that we are not going to last, she is waiting for us to drift apart. She blogged about it, texted me about it, she doesn't cry over it anymore, we don't really fight over it anymore, I just let her think what she wants to and hope that I can stick around without hurting her more than I already have. I could never tell her that I walked out on that girl I was close to. Let's call her Taylor. Now, Taylor hadn't been my best friend for very long, but she and I had this bond, and I was in love with everything about her the moment we first met. I didn't befriend her that first meeting, but a few years into our friendship, something happened. We shared a common loss, one of our dearest and closeest friends (my best friend at the time) had passed away in a crash. That was when Taylor and I got closer, she wasn't just a super close friend anymore, I realized that we had been best friends without ever labeling it. I seperaated myself from everyone except for her. I dated guys and when I found myself in a specific relationship about a month after our loss and Taylor was completely against. When I met him, I started leaving her, he was showing me everything that she was doing to me. I drank a lot with her, smoked a lot, cussed a lot..She was getting into drugs more and more, there was a lot of illegal activity that I hadn't been aware of. He was like my angel showing me the darkness she was trying to keep hidden from me. I started leaving her, but I was having difficulty staying away. Finially one night he and I went to a party, she was there..she had changed so much, it had been a while since I had last seen her, and now she looked..she looked broken. We fought, yelled, screamed, it was horrible. I told her that I hated her, I don't hate her, not now, I have so many fond memories with her, but those are memories and nothing more. I walked out of her life that night, I replay that night over and over, torturing myself with it, but I finally understand what truely happened.
"Just because we aren't close anymore doesn't mean I don't I don't care about you."
The point of all this is that I can't take back my past, I can't undo what has been done. There is no going back in time, there is no changing where you have been. We can only move on, go forward and understand that sometimes people leave, sometimes people die, sometimes we have to walk away from someone we love so much that it kills us to leave, but we have to make these choices, the hard choices. Sometimes, we just have to do things on our own. No looking back. I have accepted my life for what it is, I made a number of small stupid choices that entirely changed my life. I know that now, I am accepting that.
"Don't judge me for my past, I don't live there anymore."
So I froze. I think too much sometimes and it can change my entire mood. I thought some more about the different guys I have dated. My type of guy has always been Older. If a guy was older tha me, he was okay to date. Looking back, that hasn't exactly been the greatest kind of guy to be interested in. I ended up being abused in every way imaginable, mentally, verbally, physically, emotionally; I was cheated on; I was cheated with, some of those guys were married!! The nerve of! Well..anyway. hinking back on my life, I don't mind it all. I learned so much through those guys, I put up walls, yes, but I also learned to take down those walls sometimes. I learned that life is like an adventure, and that I deserve better than what I got. Now I have a great guy, and I don't deserve him, but I am so happy he sticks around anyway.
"The more boys I meet the more I realize that you are the one I want to be with."
I froze. I thought about everything. College. High School. Family. Friends. Money. Finances. Food. Jobs. Everything. It is difficult to consider where I am going and where my life is headed, but I know where I have come from and I know where I stand. I have plently of friends. Best friend. Boyfriend. Past friends. Good friends. Hyper friends. Not so friendly friends. Frienemies. Passed friends.
"I still remember the first day I met you."
I figured I would leave you guys now with this one last quote, it really is a good one. I have plently of scars so it seems fitting. I will blog again soon, hopefully. Anyways I hope you enjoyed this post, it was a pain to write and I had to stop a million times because my family needed me. Later!!
"Don't let past relationships ruin your future happiness, scars remind us of where we've been, not where we are going."
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Carrie Underwood - Just A Dream
Have you ever heard a song a million times over and never really thought about it, then you log onto YouTube or hear it on the radio and suddenly everything just clicks and you burst into tears because it was just THAT powerful?
Well, guess who is basically in tears now.......yeah..I was on YouTube clicking through songs and I stumbled across this one. It isn't exactly a new song, but I remembered thinking it was alright. Now I am remembering the lost and past loves...praying to a God I'm not entirely sure about that I don't lose the ones I love now.. I have always known that death is part of life, just as we all must breath so must we all die. But the way she presented everything in this video just.......oh, it was something else. It seriously made me cry. I just thought that I would share that with you. Please, feel free to comment your thoughts.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=jLntFKtR66g&feature=endscreen
Well, guess who is basically in tears now.......yeah..I was on YouTube clicking through songs and I stumbled across this one. It isn't exactly a new song, but I remembered thinking it was alright. Now I am remembering the lost and past loves...praying to a God I'm not entirely sure about that I don't lose the ones I love now.. I have always known that death is part of life, just as we all must breath so must we all die. But the way she presented everything in this video just.......oh, it was something else. It seriously made me cry. I just thought that I would share that with you. Please, feel free to comment your thoughts.
Change
Have you ever noticed how much people change?
Likes and personalities, everything changes. It is just a way of life, but I never liked change. Change is scary, it often is. Something as small as a hair cut can be a scary change to make. If you have known me for a long time you will know I am like one big giant little bundle of contradictions. I love being in water, but I HATE swimming. I love winter, but I hate being cold. I hate summer and wish I could wear shorts all year long. I love adventure, but hate change.adventure is taking a journey which indicates changes. I am adaptable, I have this great skill that allows me to easily adapt to whatever enviornment I am placed in. That is how I know that I will always be okay.
That is not, however, the reason for this post. I was on Facebook (surprise, surprise) and I found a girl that attended my elementary school, but I was shocked to see how much her life had changeed since we last saw each other. I went around facebook like a creeper looking for other kids from my elementary school and I saw just how much they had all changed. The boy who asked my out in front of the bathrooms is now gay, the dumb cheerleader who almost failed her 6th grade year graduated at the top of her class, the small boy who stood next to me in chior is now very tall and has a voice as big and beautiful as any, the boy who snuck to my house so we could hang out has now been in 3 movies and counting, the fat girl lost a lot of weight and is now model skinny, the punk asian girl is married and has a baby. So much has changed, I can't believe all that has happened, it just makes me wonder how have I changed since then? If they have all changed, I must have as well. Anyway, I just thought that I would share that with you guys. It was just something that crossed my mind.
Likes and personalities, everything changes. It is just a way of life, but I never liked change. Change is scary, it often is. Something as small as a hair cut can be a scary change to make. If you have known me for a long time you will know I am like one big giant little bundle of contradictions. I love being in water, but I HATE swimming. I love winter, but I hate being cold. I hate summer and wish I could wear shorts all year long. I love adventure, but hate change.adventure is taking a journey which indicates changes. I am adaptable, I have this great skill that allows me to easily adapt to whatever enviornment I am placed in. That is how I know that I will always be okay.
That is not, however, the reason for this post. I was on Facebook (surprise, surprise) and I found a girl that attended my elementary school, but I was shocked to see how much her life had changeed since we last saw each other. I went around facebook like a creeper looking for other kids from my elementary school and I saw just how much they had all changed. The boy who asked my out in front of the bathrooms is now gay, the dumb cheerleader who almost failed her 6th grade year graduated at the top of her class, the small boy who stood next to me in chior is now very tall and has a voice as big and beautiful as any, the boy who snuck to my house so we could hang out has now been in 3 movies and counting, the fat girl lost a lot of weight and is now model skinny, the punk asian girl is married and has a baby. So much has changed, I can't believe all that has happened, it just makes me wonder how have I changed since then? If they have all changed, I must have as well. Anyway, I just thought that I would share that with you guys. It was just something that crossed my mind.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Fair, Updates, Reminder!!!
So yesterday I went to the fair with my family, it was so much fun!!! There is a lot to see and do at the fair, so many people and animals, so much going on! I had a blast, my poor boyfriend, on the other hand, went on a ride that didn't quite agree with him and he ended up getting really sick. Thankfully he didn't throw up on me though ^-^ for this we give thanks hahaha
So, I have decided to reapply to Dicks Sporting Goods. Isn't that exciting? My parents went into the store and talked to a few of the employees, it seems that most of them had to apply twice before they even got an interview. Why are companies so mean like that? I don't understand.
Also! I have the most amazing news!!! I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with AWANA, it is a Christian organization that is basically a youth group for younger kids. I was just informed that I can voulunteer at my churchs AWANA program and help out with the Sparks!! The Sparks are the 1st-6th graders. There is a younger group called the Cubbies, and then an older group of High School and Junior Highers and they don't really have a name, they're just kinda there, helping out and they don't exactly meet or anything.....anyways! But I spent two years helping out with the Sparks a few years ago and I loved it. The kids were so great and they would run up to you and when you had to go they would get so sad and it really is just this great connection, I enjoyed it so much. I can't remember why I stopped, but I've missed helping out ever since. I am so excited to be part of this again, and this time I can stay the whole time, and help with games and stories and just spend the whole night with my kids. I am super excited, I start next Wednesday, and yeah hahaha yeah, I am stoked, can you tell???
Okay, well that is basically everything, I think. I am sure I have more to say, but I guess I'll just think of it later and make another post/blog thingy about it for you peoples to read as you please. I really want to start posting on here at least once a week, my goal is to post every day, but that isn't going to happen, I already know it. Two or three days in a row max but if I can post every day for a week I think I sould get a reward.
Oh!! I have to take my little brother to the Card shop, I think I will take him next Monday, but I feel like I have something going on that day. I would take him today but I am busy. I would take him tomorrow but there is a tournament going on. I would take him on Saturday but we have to do yard work and then it will be Magic Night. I would take him Sunday but I have plans. I will take him Monday unless something comes up. Remind me, Monday is Card Shop day with the little brother!! Got it.
So, I have decided to reapply to Dicks Sporting Goods. Isn't that exciting? My parents went into the store and talked to a few of the employees, it seems that most of them had to apply twice before they even got an interview. Why are companies so mean like that? I don't understand.
Also! I have the most amazing news!!! I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with AWANA, it is a Christian organization that is basically a youth group for younger kids. I was just informed that I can voulunteer at my churchs AWANA program and help out with the Sparks!! The Sparks are the 1st-6th graders. There is a younger group called the Cubbies, and then an older group of High School and Junior Highers and they don't really have a name, they're just kinda there, helping out and they don't exactly meet or anything.....anyways! But I spent two years helping out with the Sparks a few years ago and I loved it. The kids were so great and they would run up to you and when you had to go they would get so sad and it really is just this great connection, I enjoyed it so much. I can't remember why I stopped, but I've missed helping out ever since. I am so excited to be part of this again, and this time I can stay the whole time, and help with games and stories and just spend the whole night with my kids. I am super excited, I start next Wednesday, and yeah hahaha yeah, I am stoked, can you tell???
Okay, well that is basically everything, I think. I am sure I have more to say, but I guess I'll just think of it later and make another post/blog thingy about it for you peoples to read as you please. I really want to start posting on here at least once a week, my goal is to post every day, but that isn't going to happen, I already know it. Two or three days in a row max but if I can post every day for a week I think I sould get a reward.
Oh!! I have to take my little brother to the Card shop, I think I will take him next Monday, but I feel like I have something going on that day. I would take him today but I am busy. I would take him tomorrow but there is a tournament going on. I would take him on Saturday but we have to do yard work and then it will be Magic Night. I would take him Sunday but I have plans. I will take him Monday unless something comes up. Remind me, Monday is Card Shop day with the little brother!! Got it.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
College
Okay, hey guys and everyone out there! Yeah I know..been over a week, well let me tell you! I have no excuse XD
Anyway, so let me tell you about my college plans, replans, scratched plans, new plans and old plans. Okay? Cool.
When I was a little girl I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I was going to work at Victoria's Secret until I graduated from High School, then I was going to move to New York and start modeling for Victoria's Secret while I went to school for Fashion Design. The I would be a famous model/designer and make lots of money and be rich and happy and live happily ever after without ever getting old or getting wrinkles or acne or anything.
When I hit 5th grade I decided maybe I could part time model and still work on my fashion design, then I could creat my own company which would be called "StarProducts" complete with both modest and not so modest cclothes for women. College still in New York City.
After I got into Junior high, let's say closer to about 7th grade I wanted to be a designer still and create glorious party dresses for the Red Carpet and have outrageous styles and be the next big thing to hit fashion, more well known than Blue Jeans! I wanted to study in Paris and New York, and have three houses. One in LA, one in San Fran, and then one in New York.
That didn't last long, though since in 8th grade I completely shifted my thoughts towards more of a major in Fashion Design and a minor in Photography. Schooling in either New York at Parsons or in San Fran at FIDM. Still want to be a Fashion Designer, but also a freelance photographer.
Then I hit High School. every month I semmed to have a new idea for schooling. Pratt in New York City. Art Institute in LA. FIDM in San Fran. Those are the main four I bounced back and forth between, but FIDM was the one that sounded the best at the time.
Now that I have graduated High School, and I am jobless and need to figure something out educationally wise, I'm almost possitive that I have absolutly no idea what I am going to do. I had a college interview today at 10am with The Art Institute of California-Los Angeles, and I am filling out the application for it and writing out my little 150 word minimum essay for my hopes with the school and as I do it, I aam realising how much I want to get out of this sleepy little town, but also how much I don't want to leave. There is this weird feeling of dread that washes over me with every word I place into my essay, as if this one little word could completely alter my life. I feel as though I need to stop and rethink everything. I know I want to design clothes, I know that I want to be a Fashion designer, I know that I want to persue this dream that I have had since I was little. And yes, there is still a little part of me that wants to strut down the Victoria's Secret Runway with those giant Angel Wings on my back wearing lacey underwear and having a long thin toned body and C-cup boobs, but I would so much rather be behind the scenes rushing the models and fixing the clothes and making last minuet repairs and watching my designs go down the runway knowing that I created that outfit, that dress, that top, those pants. I made that.
So I am putting in an application to The Art Institute of California-Los Angeles. I am keeping my options open, and who knows, maybe I will get in and maybe the money will come through, with $40,000 for all of the costs not including gas and food, it isn't that likely I will be going. So perhaps Reedly College would be a better fit, who knows, I mean, I've heard that they have a decant Fashion program. I wouldn't exactly be in Fresno, but I would be close by, maybe I could arrange my classes to be in a two or three day block and stay with my grandparets for those nights and then stay with my boyfriend or my parents the rest of the time. At this point in my life, anything can happen and anything is possible.
Thank you, you guys for reading through my little rant/explination. Leave your questions, comments, concerns, thoughts, or anything you want in the comments box and I will try to get back to you as soon as I can. That's all for now, so..Byee!!!! ^-^
Anyway, so let me tell you about my college plans, replans, scratched plans, new plans and old plans. Okay? Cool.
When I was a little girl I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I was going to work at Victoria's Secret until I graduated from High School, then I was going to move to New York and start modeling for Victoria's Secret while I went to school for Fashion Design. The I would be a famous model/designer and make lots of money and be rich and happy and live happily ever after without ever getting old or getting wrinkles or acne or anything.
When I hit 5th grade I decided maybe I could part time model and still work on my fashion design, then I could creat my own company which would be called "StarProducts" complete with both modest and not so modest cclothes for women. College still in New York City.
After I got into Junior high, let's say closer to about 7th grade I wanted to be a designer still and create glorious party dresses for the Red Carpet and have outrageous styles and be the next big thing to hit fashion, more well known than Blue Jeans! I wanted to study in Paris and New York, and have three houses. One in LA, one in San Fran, and then one in New York.
That didn't last long, though since in 8th grade I completely shifted my thoughts towards more of a major in Fashion Design and a minor in Photography. Schooling in either New York at Parsons or in San Fran at FIDM. Still want to be a Fashion Designer, but also a freelance photographer.
Then I hit High School. every month I semmed to have a new idea for schooling. Pratt in New York City. Art Institute in LA. FIDM in San Fran. Those are the main four I bounced back and forth between, but FIDM was the one that sounded the best at the time.
Now that I have graduated High School, and I am jobless and need to figure something out educationally wise, I'm almost possitive that I have absolutly no idea what I am going to do. I had a college interview today at 10am with The Art Institute of California-Los Angeles, and I am filling out the application for it and writing out my little 150 word minimum essay for my hopes with the school and as I do it, I aam realising how much I want to get out of this sleepy little town, but also how much I don't want to leave. There is this weird feeling of dread that washes over me with every word I place into my essay, as if this one little word could completely alter my life. I feel as though I need to stop and rethink everything. I know I want to design clothes, I know that I want to be a Fashion designer, I know that I want to persue this dream that I have had since I was little. And yes, there is still a little part of me that wants to strut down the Victoria's Secret Runway with those giant Angel Wings on my back wearing lacey underwear and having a long thin toned body and C-cup boobs, but I would so much rather be behind the scenes rushing the models and fixing the clothes and making last minuet repairs and watching my designs go down the runway knowing that I created that outfit, that dress, that top, those pants. I made that.
So I am putting in an application to The Art Institute of California-Los Angeles. I am keeping my options open, and who knows, maybe I will get in and maybe the money will come through, with $40,000 for all of the costs not including gas and food, it isn't that likely I will be going. So perhaps Reedly College would be a better fit, who knows, I mean, I've heard that they have a decant Fashion program. I wouldn't exactly be in Fresno, but I would be close by, maybe I could arrange my classes to be in a two or three day block and stay with my grandparets for those nights and then stay with my boyfriend or my parents the rest of the time. At this point in my life, anything can happen and anything is possible.
Thank you, you guys for reading through my little rant/explination. Leave your questions, comments, concerns, thoughts, or anything you want in the comments box and I will try to get back to you as soon as I can. That's all for now, so..Byee!!!! ^-^
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