Coming to Terms with my Life.

Hey Everyone!!!

So I've finally come to terms with my life. I know, I know, I've said it all before "I'm finally happy, life is good, I'm perfectly fine with how everything is in the world at the moment." No. I'm not saying that everything in the world is perfect. I'm not saying that I am finally happy. I'm not even saying that I'm fine with how my life is turning out. All I want to say is that I have come to terms with the facts of my life, and the next step I need to take is clearly set before me. I don't like it. But I at least know what I have to do and why. That's a big deal for me.


Anyway. So yeah, I know I kind of disappeared for a while even though I promised to try and daily blog for you guys. I said I'd try, I never said that I would succeed haha so yeah.. Life happens and sometimes you just have to roll with it. I know you guys don't want to hear my excuses so I won't bore you all with the details. I'll just summarize it all to say this: Life happened, college got crazy, friends got freaky, family flipped, cousins grew up, cigarettes got smoked and music was blasted.


Now, back to "coming to terms" XD

I don't have a terrible present life, my past life (while not exactly the most average) isn't completely horrid either, and at the moment my future is honestly a fuzzy mystery. What I want to tell you all is a bit of a confession about my current goings ons I guess. As of this moment I am 19, which seems like a good place to start as it gives you the idea that, yeah, I probably still have quite a bit of life to live. Now let me add in the fact that I will most likely not live past the age of 30, nor do I really care to. Why? I've never felt the need. My rib cage is slowly caving inward, pressing my sternum against everything inside of me, that's one reason. I've done a number of drugs (past tense) and quite a bit of drinking (also past tense) not to mention all of the cigarettes (past and present tenses for this one..) that I have smoked, then add to that all of the physical mental and emotional damage that I have endured. Yeah, no I really do think that 30 is a ripe old age for me, thank you. I've come to terms with this fact that I have a short life left to live. I'm actually embracing it, which is a big reason why I've decided to do what makes me happy now, while I can.
I've come to terms with the fact that my family doesn't care for my boyfriend, and I've also come to terms with the fact that he and I are not going to last forever. He knows that as well as I do and we have agreed that as long as we still make each other happy, we'll stay together because that's just the way we are, two people looking for something good to hold onto in life, even if that good thing will only last for a few months, or maybe even just a few more days. Who knows how long he and I will be together, I'm enjoying the right now, as everyone should.
Also, I've come to terms with the fact that my ex really just isn't ready to be my friend, not even ready to see me or talk to me or any of that, and although I have come to terms with this fact I still look forward to the day when he and I can maybe talk again like we used to because I do miss just talking to him.
I have come to terms with the fact that my best friend and I are seriously messed up, and I know it is entirely my fault and I know we will never be the way we once were. I'm sorry about this because the damage has been done and the scars have been made, battle lines drawn and weapons raised between the two of us and I can only hope for an ending without blood. But I've come to terms with the fact that she and I may have to part without another word, and I've come to terms with the fact that I am and most likely always will be in love with her. And that is one thing that I am truly okay with.
I've come to terms with the fact that I have feelings for two guys whom I don't deserve. One who lives in another town, who gave me one of the best weekends of my life and made me feel perfectly safe, even if just for a few moments. To that guy, thank you, I could never deserve you and I  hope that one day our paths will cross at a good time for both of us and you'll remember me for the good and not the bad. The other guy who has the ability to put me at ease with just one look. I have come to terms with my feelings for you, but I fear being near you. I don't want to hurt you, I have always hurt those I love (one thing I have never been able to come to terms with, nor fix) and I can't stand the thought of hurting you. Please. If you knew what was best for yourself, you would stay away from me, keep me at a distance. Please. I like you, I know I do, I have accepted this, so please heed my warning and don't let me near.
Lastly, I have come to terms with the fact that I have no idea where I am headed or what I am doing with my life. First I wanted to be a model, then a designer, then a novelist, now I have no clue what I am doing with my life. All I know is that I want to do something I love, be around people that make me happy and live with someone who can make me smile when I want nothing more than to break down and cry (as I often do).

Yeah so hat's my little tid bit for you guys haha good night, have a nice life and all that jazz
Remember to smile every once in a while
Love you!!!
^-^