Hey Everyone!!!
So I've finally come to terms with my life. I know, I know, I've said it all before "I'm finally happy, life is good, I'm perfectly fine with how everything is in the world at the moment." No. I'm not saying that everything in the world is perfect. I'm not saying that I am finally happy. I'm not even saying that I'm fine with how my life is turning out. All I want to say is that I have come to terms with the facts of my life, and the next step I need to take is clearly set before me. I don't like it. But I at least know what I have to do and why. That's a big deal for me.
Anyway. So yeah, I know I kind of disappeared for a while even though I promised to try and daily blog for you guys. I said I'd try, I never said that I would succeed haha so yeah.. Life happens and sometimes you just have to roll with it. I know you guys don't want to hear my excuses so I won't bore you all with the details. I'll just summarize it all to say this: Life happened, college got crazy, friends got freaky, family flipped, cousins grew up, cigarettes got smoked and music was blasted.
Now, back to "coming to terms" XD
I don't have a terrible present life, my past life (while not exactly the most average) isn't completely horrid either, and at the moment my future is honestly a fuzzy mystery. What I want to tell you all is a bit of a confession about my current goings ons I guess. As of this moment I am 19, which seems like a good place to start as it gives you the idea that, yeah, I probably still have quite a bit of life to live. Now let me add in the fact that I will most likely not live past the age of 30, nor do I really care to. Why? I've never felt the need. My rib cage is slowly caving inward, pressing my sternum against everything inside of me, that's one reason. I've done a number of drugs (past tense) and quite a bit of drinking (also past tense) not to mention all of the cigarettes (past and present tenses for this one..) that I have smoked, then add to that all of the physical mental and emotional damage that I have endured. Yeah, no I really do think that 30 is a ripe old age for me, thank you. I've come to terms with this fact that I have a short life left to live. I'm actually embracing it, which is a big reason why I've decided to do what makes me happy now, while I can.
I've come to terms with the fact that my family doesn't care for my boyfriend, and I've also come to terms with the fact that he and I are not going to last forever. He knows that as well as I do and we have agreed that as long as we still make each other happy, we'll stay together because that's just the way we are, two people looking for something good to hold onto in life, even if that good thing will only last for a few months, or maybe even just a few more days. Who knows how long he and I will be together, I'm enjoying the right now, as everyone should.
Also, I've come to terms with the fact that my ex really just isn't ready to be my friend, not even ready to see me or talk to me or any of that, and although I have come to terms with this fact I still look forward to the day when he and I can maybe talk again like we used to because I do miss just talking to him.
I have come to terms with the fact that my best friend and I are seriously messed up, and I know it is entirely my fault and I know we will never be the way we once were. I'm sorry about this because the damage has been done and the scars have been made, battle lines drawn and weapons raised between the two of us and I can only hope for an ending without blood. But I've come to terms with the fact that she and I may have to part without another word, and I've come to terms with the fact that I am and most likely always will be in love with her. And that is one thing that I am truly okay with.
I've come to terms with the fact that I have feelings for two guys whom I don't deserve. One who lives in another town, who gave me one of the best weekends of my life and made me feel perfectly safe, even if just for a few moments. To that guy, thank you, I could never deserve you and I hope that one day our paths will cross at a good time for both of us and you'll remember me for the good and not the bad. The other guy who has the ability to put me at ease with just one look. I have come to terms with my feelings for you, but I fear being near you. I don't want to hurt you, I have always hurt those I love (one thing I have never been able to come to terms with, nor fix) and I can't stand the thought of hurting you. Please. If you knew what was best for yourself, you would stay away from me, keep me at a distance. Please. I like you, I know I do, I have accepted this, so please heed my warning and don't let me near.
Lastly, I have come to terms with the fact that I have no idea where I am headed or what I am doing with my life. First I wanted to be a model, then a designer, then a novelist, now I have no clue what I am doing with my life. All I know is that I want to do something I love, be around people that make me happy and live with someone who can make me smile when I want nothing more than to break down and cry (as I often do).
Yeah so hat's my little tid bit for you guys haha good night, have a nice life and all that jazz
Remember to smile every once in a while
Love you!!!
^-^
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Last Night....Crazy.
Hey everyone!!! Sorry for not posting last night, but things got kind of crazy hahahaha
So my friend stayed the night with me and I don't like to blog while I have people over because this isn't really something that I can do very quickly lol So my guy friend who was supposed to get his tattoo didn't get to get it :/ again. The artist is having a ton of problems and she ended up with a huge migraine after she was ready to start inking him up so she is cutting his price in half and he'll be going in on Thursday to get it (hopefully this time it actually happens haha).
Anyway, back to my friend. So she stayed the night at my place last night and we were up all night and it was like 11:30 or so and we wanted to smoke but had only one left so we decided to walk to the gas station that is like two miles from my house (the closest gas station). Well we started walking and by the time we got there it was like 12:30 or something and the station was closed, which really is just our luck. So we sat there for a while just talking and hanging out, it was great until we realized that we had to walk all the way back without any cigs D:
So I called my boyfriend and had him come get us, well we managed to convince him (really, it was more of "hey can you take us to get cigs?" "sure, do you have money and an id?" "yes" "let's go!") to find a 24/7 place that sold cigs and we got lucky and the first one we went to was open. Just his luck lol
The guy was super nice and he discounted the coffee and soda to a dollar for us ^-^ plus we got cigs and we stood outide talking to him until like 2 in the morning!
Needless to say it was a ton of fun :)
My friend and I got a ride back to my place so we didn't have to walk, which was really nice of my boyfriend, and she and I were up until like 5 in the morning just talking and messing around like girls do hahaha
She didn't sleep at all, though she doesn't really sleep anyway, I think I may have gotten like two or three hours? Yeah, my night was great ^-^
Have a good day everyone
Stay awesome
and
Keep Beautiful
^-^
Bye!
So my friend stayed the night with me and I don't like to blog while I have people over because this isn't really something that I can do very quickly lol So my guy friend who was supposed to get his tattoo didn't get to get it :/ again. The artist is having a ton of problems and she ended up with a huge migraine after she was ready to start inking him up so she is cutting his price in half and he'll be going in on Thursday to get it (hopefully this time it actually happens haha).
Anyway, back to my friend. So she stayed the night at my place last night and we were up all night and it was like 11:30 or so and we wanted to smoke but had only one left so we decided to walk to the gas station that is like two miles from my house (the closest gas station). Well we started walking and by the time we got there it was like 12:30 or something and the station was closed, which really is just our luck. So we sat there for a while just talking and hanging out, it was great until we realized that we had to walk all the way back without any cigs D:
So I called my boyfriend and had him come get us, well we managed to convince him (really, it was more of "hey can you take us to get cigs?" "sure, do you have money and an id?" "yes" "let's go!") to find a 24/7 place that sold cigs and we got lucky and the first one we went to was open. Just his luck lol
The guy was super nice and he discounted the coffee and soda to a dollar for us ^-^ plus we got cigs and we stood outide talking to him until like 2 in the morning!
Needless to say it was a ton of fun :)
My friend and I got a ride back to my place so we didn't have to walk, which was really nice of my boyfriend, and she and I were up until like 5 in the morning just talking and messing around like girls do hahaha
She didn't sleep at all, though she doesn't really sleep anyway, I think I may have gotten like two or three hours? Yeah, my night was great ^-^
Have a good day everyone
Stay awesome
and
Keep Beautiful
^-^
Bye!
Monday, January 6, 2014
Body Tattoo
Hey everyone! So I have been thinking all day about tattoos, and yes, I do eventually want to have my upper half covered with tattoos. I want to have the left and back of my neck, my entire back, both of my sides, and my stomach to be inked. Honestly, it will probably never happen, but I love the idea hahaha The only problem is that I have a needle issue lol so I guess as soon as I get over that, I'll be getting inked up XD
I've always loved tattoos, ever since I was a little girl. The idea of having something on you for the rest of your life has always been so amazing to me, and I would see people with tats all up their arms and my first thought was always to talk to them and ask about their ink. My conservative and very religious parents on the other hand would never think that. My entire family is really very anti tattoo, it's rather irritating. So just the fact that they are fairly okay with my going with one of my friends to get his first tattoo, is seriously a miracle. Honestly.
I do have a few thoughts about tattoos though, I mean, they will be there pretty much for the rest of your life. You should probably get something that you won't regret. Basic right? Make sure everything is spelled correctly. Also, basic. I mean, this is on your body permanently. It would be a bit embarrassing to have something misspelled on your body, knowing it is there for the rest of your life. It would SUCK. And it drives me crazy when people are all like "Yeah, this one is "I love you" in French!" and the Tattoo says "J'adore" or something. No. Just no. If you get something in another language, please triple check the spelling and triple check that the words actually mean what you think they do. Lastly, if you get a tattoo, please get something that is meaningful to you. Yeah, it is awesome to have an epic looking tattoo, but I think it is so much better to have something that means the world to you. Yeah, get a giant dragon covering your back, but please, have a really great reason for it. I had a friend who let the tattoo artist pick the design for his first tattoo because he just wanted a tattoo. He got a giant green four leaf clover with a banner saying "Lucky Ink" or something like that on it. So please. If you get a tattoo, know what you want, make sure everything is correct and make it meaningful.
Okay, that's all. I love you guys!
Have a great night!
Bye!!!
^-^
I've always loved tattoos, ever since I was a little girl. The idea of having something on you for the rest of your life has always been so amazing to me, and I would see people with tats all up their arms and my first thought was always to talk to them and ask about their ink. My conservative and very religious parents on the other hand would never think that. My entire family is really very anti tattoo, it's rather irritating. So just the fact that they are fairly okay with my going with one of my friends to get his first tattoo, is seriously a miracle. Honestly.
I do have a few thoughts about tattoos though, I mean, they will be there pretty much for the rest of your life. You should probably get something that you won't regret. Basic right? Make sure everything is spelled correctly. Also, basic. I mean, this is on your body permanently. It would be a bit embarrassing to have something misspelled on your body, knowing it is there for the rest of your life. It would SUCK. And it drives me crazy when people are all like "Yeah, this one is "I love you" in French!" and the Tattoo says "J'adore" or something. No. Just no. If you get something in another language, please triple check the spelling and triple check that the words actually mean what you think they do. Lastly, if you get a tattoo, please get something that is meaningful to you. Yeah, it is awesome to have an epic looking tattoo, but I think it is so much better to have something that means the world to you. Yeah, get a giant dragon covering your back, but please, have a really great reason for it. I had a friend who let the tattoo artist pick the design for his first tattoo because he just wanted a tattoo. He got a giant green four leaf clover with a banner saying "Lucky Ink" or something like that on it. So please. If you get a tattoo, know what you want, make sure everything is correct and make it meaningful.
Okay, that's all. I love you guys!
Have a great night!
Bye!!!
^-^
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Two New Bras!!!!! :D
Hey guys, yeah so far this is day three of my daily blogging experience and blog number two. really, this isn't looking very good for me haha but oh well, I'm having fun still and I am still just going about my day doing what makes me happy.
Kind of.
Saturday was a normal enough day, I took my brother to Magic Night and it was great until one of the guys told me that my ex refused to stay and play Magic because I was there. That kind of got me riled up because when we broke up he told me that I had to keep coming to Magic Night because I was basically "one of the guys" and that he didn't want to lose a Magic Buddy. That was actually the main reason I have been going, I want to still be his friend and I want to still do things with him like hang out and play Magic (which he introduced me to, by the way), but I guess that was hoping for too much. So I decided that I will take a break from Saturday night magic, I'll still drop off my little brother, but I am not staying. When I got back to the house last night, I was so pissed off about it that I seriously locked myself in my room and just worked out until like 4 in the morning. My boyfriend said that I sounded like a guy because I kept telling him that I was working out. I seriouslsy did like six hours of working out and stretching and drinking water and working out some more and then more stretching. I was dripping sweat when I finished and I woke up at 7 in the morning on the floor, that's when I moved to my bed haha
That brings me to Sunday.
Victoria Secret Semi Annual Sale.
Yes.
I got two bras ^-^ and I am so happy about it, but really sad that I didn't get to go with my bestie :(
I saw her today, by the way, she looked super adorable. And then she had her troublesome boyfriend along with her and he looked like he always does, happy with her. She is happy with him though so I was glad he was there. Honestly, the fact that she has someone who makes her happy is so amazing, if he ever hurt her I would kill him because she is basically my world.
Also, I told my mother about my open relationship. She was really less than pleased and repeatedly called my a hussy. Yeah, thanks a lot mom haha
Yeah, that is the gist of how my days have gone, Tomorrow I am taking my brother to The Shop (Collectors Paradise) and hopefully it will be fun ^-^
Anyways, I'm gonna work out again tonight since it was actually a lot of fun last night, maybe I'll make this a routine....maybe XD
Bye everyone!!!
^-^
Kind of.
Saturday was a normal enough day, I took my brother to Magic Night and it was great until one of the guys told me that my ex refused to stay and play Magic because I was there. That kind of got me riled up because when we broke up he told me that I had to keep coming to Magic Night because I was basically "one of the guys" and that he didn't want to lose a Magic Buddy. That was actually the main reason I have been going, I want to still be his friend and I want to still do things with him like hang out and play Magic (which he introduced me to, by the way), but I guess that was hoping for too much. So I decided that I will take a break from Saturday night magic, I'll still drop off my little brother, but I am not staying. When I got back to the house last night, I was so pissed off about it that I seriously locked myself in my room and just worked out until like 4 in the morning. My boyfriend said that I sounded like a guy because I kept telling him that I was working out. I seriouslsy did like six hours of working out and stretching and drinking water and working out some more and then more stretching. I was dripping sweat when I finished and I woke up at 7 in the morning on the floor, that's when I moved to my bed haha
That brings me to Sunday.
Victoria Secret Semi Annual Sale.
Yes.
I got two bras ^-^ and I am so happy about it, but really sad that I didn't get to go with my bestie :(
I saw her today, by the way, she looked super adorable. And then she had her troublesome boyfriend along with her and he looked like he always does, happy with her. She is happy with him though so I was glad he was there. Honestly, the fact that she has someone who makes her happy is so amazing, if he ever hurt her I would kill him because she is basically my world.
Also, I told my mother about my open relationship. She was really less than pleased and repeatedly called my a hussy. Yeah, thanks a lot mom haha
Yeah, that is the gist of how my days have gone, Tomorrow I am taking my brother to The Shop (Collectors Paradise) and hopefully it will be fun ^-^
Anyways, I'm gonna work out again tonight since it was actually a lot of fun last night, maybe I'll make this a routine....maybe XD
Bye everyone!!!
^-^
Friday, January 3, 2014
Daily Blogging
Hey everyone, so I've decided that I want to start daily blogging. *scream*of*terror* Yeah yeah yeah I know, "Daily blogging? Girl you crazy." Well, I just figured that since I can never think of just one or two things to put into this blog so it flows fairly nicely, I might as well start doing this daily. It could very well turn into a journal that you all hate or even a diary that everyone reads, but I guess that with the new year, since I am doing what makes me happy, I might as well give it a try haha try new things, you guys and maybe you'll find something you love to do ^-^
Okay, so since I decided to start daily blogging, today is as good a night as any to begin.
I woke up this morning in a guys bed. No. Not my boyfriends bed. I woke up in another guys bed.
Okay! It's out there. I swear, it's not nearly as bad as it sounds!!! I stayed the night with one of my guy friends because I was way too tired to drive home, honestly, I was kinda scared I would crash lol and that would be no good. So I stayed at his house. His parents didn't know I was staying the night. I guess I was kind of snuck in and snuck out, which was a weird feeling. I spent the day today with him and one of my other female friends. There is a weird little trio forming between the three of us and I honestly don't like the way it is turning out. People are beginning to feel things they shouldn't and do things they shouldn't and we are all beginning to get more physical than we should. I don't know.. it's just not okay with me the way we are turning out. So now I am sitting here at 6:20pm, eating my dinner of leftover rice and veggies while watching The Holiday thinking everything over. On top of all that, I have another job offer that I need to think over and I still need to talk to my boyfriend about our relationship........yeah, oh well. I guess now I should sit here and enjoy my movie :)
Okay, so since I decided to start daily blogging, today is as good a night as any to begin.
I woke up this morning in a guys bed. No. Not my boyfriends bed. I woke up in another guys bed.
Okay! It's out there. I swear, it's not nearly as bad as it sounds!!! I stayed the night with one of my guy friends because I was way too tired to drive home, honestly, I was kinda scared I would crash lol and that would be no good. So I stayed at his house. His parents didn't know I was staying the night. I guess I was kind of snuck in and snuck out, which was a weird feeling. I spent the day today with him and one of my other female friends. There is a weird little trio forming between the three of us and I honestly don't like the way it is turning out. People are beginning to feel things they shouldn't and do things they shouldn't and we are all beginning to get more physical than we should. I don't know.. it's just not okay with me the way we are turning out. So now I am sitting here at 6:20pm, eating my dinner of leftover rice and veggies while watching The Holiday thinking everything over. On top of all that, I have another job offer that I need to think over and I still need to talk to my boyfriend about our relationship........yeah, oh well. I guess now I should sit here and enjoy my movie :)
Thursday, January 2, 2014
A New Year and New Classes
Hey everyone, long time no post right? Well I'm fixing our little communication problem right now. I hope you all had a great New Year, everyone was safe and didn't do anything illegal, right? Haha no worries, I won't tell anyone if you did, your secrete is safe with me ^-^ So, did any of you make any resolutions for the new year? I know I did! I have decided that this year, 2014, I will do whatever makes me happy. I figure that is a small step towards living a better life, just trying to find little things that make me happy and letting them happen, enjoying the moment, taking a few seconds to stop and say "yes, I am alive and this life can be good if I let it be." you know? Yeah, so I figured that would be a good resolution :) A lot of my friends are saying that they will lose weight, eat less, eat right, smile more, save money, work harder, get straight A's, join a gym, find a boyfriend, or other things like that. I figure just doing what makes me happy will result in these things. I think it's a good resolution and I'm going to try and stick to it! I am determined haha
Anyway, So I am all registered for my classes, and honestly, I decided to take the easiest math class I could find, along with two history classes and a religions class. This semester is shaping out to be a ton of fun, I'm a full time student and the only day that will suck is Monday because I'll be at school for 12 hours! Ew! But I'll figure something out haha, no point in wasting gas just to go home between classes when I'll only get to be there for an hour before I have to leave again. I can just nap in the truck or something XD ah the life of a broke college student, I'm so going to steal food from everyone haha I can't wait for this semester to start, I'm seriously excited. Okay, I have things to do so I'm gonna go.
Have a great day everyone! Be safe and make new friends!
^-^ Bye
Anyway, So I am all registered for my classes, and honestly, I decided to take the easiest math class I could find, along with two history classes and a religions class. This semester is shaping out to be a ton of fun, I'm a full time student and the only day that will suck is Monday because I'll be at school for 12 hours! Ew! But I'll figure something out haha, no point in wasting gas just to go home between classes when I'll only get to be there for an hour before I have to leave again. I can just nap in the truck or something XD ah the life of a broke college student, I'm so going to steal food from everyone haha I can't wait for this semester to start, I'm seriously excited. Okay, I have things to do so I'm gonna go.
Have a great day everyone! Be safe and make new friends!
^-^ Bye
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