A Day Without Injury :)

Hey Everyone!

So my day started off amazing :D I woke up, stayed home from church, smoked a few cigarettes and studied for my religions test (which is tomorrow). I mean, my morning sounds kind of boring, but I actually really enjoyed it ^-^ that's what matters right? I couldn't stop smiling all morning haha

And then my family got back. My family and I really don't get along very well, but it is even worse when they are fighting among themselves because they have all of this anger that is building up and I guess I'm like a key that opens up the bottle of all their frustration. Yeah, they take everything out on me. No, I'm seriously not saying all of this to make you all feel bad for me, I'm saying this as an honest statement. My family generally takes out their anger by yelling at me or in some cases hitting me. For the most part it isn't a violent household, I'm easily the most violent one living here at the moment but tat comes from me not really wanting to scream and yell back because that has never proven to solve anything. If my siblings were pissing me off, instead of screaming at them I would just hit them hard enough to make them cry. It shut them up real fast and then I got to go play in my room by myself for a week (grounded). That is how I solve my problems, and yes, this will eventually get me into real trouble and maybe jail one day, but that day isn't today. 

Yeah so my family came home and they were all upset with each other, dad being annoying, my brother silently glaring at anyone who tried to talk to him and my mother openly arguing with anyone who dared to speak. Guess who asked how church went because she didn't properly gauge the situation first...this chick. I smart. I asked how church was and my dad answers first by saying "I'm not talking to myself!!!! Church was great!" and then glaring at my mother. My mother then went off yelling at him while holding a knife and at that point I just walked off. 

Part of me misses when my parents fought behind closed doors while they thought we were asleep. This past year or so they have started fighting in front of me at least once a week or so and I am seriously waiting for someone to get shot or stabbed.

Hope you all had a better day than I did haha

Good night and happy dreams

Stay Beautiful

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A Good Day with Ice Cream

Hey Everyone!!!

Today was a good day for me, there wasn't really a single sad moment which was a nice change of pace haha I even smiled for real a couple of times :D
My morning started off at 11:45 am when my boyfriend texted me until I woke up to see if I could come hang out with him. I was there until 4:30 or so which was nice. We hung out, drove around, bought cigarettes, drank amazing coffee with milk and sugar, messed around a little and had deep conversations about the future and kids and our pasts. I'm no where near ready to talk about spending a lifetime with a person or getting married or even talking about our relationship in terms of years yet, but I am really lucky to have this kid in my life. He really does care about me and I want to be a part of his life because I guess in a sense we need each other. Right now both of us are going through shit and it's nice to have that one person who we can talk to and tell our problems while standing outside in the cold and sharing a few smokes. It's just really great.
After I got back to the house, I took my little brother to Magic night. There were a ton of people there, my ex included. Now I don't know if I have told you guys or not, but my ex and I went from being really close to zero contact and I hated it because I really did love being around him and I enjoyed his company so when he left I really did hurt for a long time (I got with my current boyfriend actually as a rebound, but it turned serious so...this is all another story for another time haha). Tonight I saw him and the first thing I thought was "He looks happy." and that is when I smiled a real smile, because I knew that he was doing alright. Honestly, I'm glad that he is happy, he really does look good :) and we even talked a little (yes, I may have initiated. I miss talking to him, can you blame me?). I think this is a good sign that we can mend our friendship, hopefully it is, I mean, we didn't hug or anything but talking is the first step, right? Besides that, I kicked his ass in Magic haha which was a GREAT feeling because I had always had difficulty beating him and to win with a deck I had put together by myself in Standard format, I mean, it was a pretty good feeling.
Other than all of that, I got to see a few of my friends who I have missed a lot. Everyone looks happy and I am so excited that they are all doing so well. I got a free bowl of mint ice cream from Cold Stone, one of my friends bought it for me because I didn't have any money and she was sad I couldn't afford it (or something along those lines).

Yeah so I have had a great day. I have church in the morning though so I need to get some sleep.
Good night all, happy dreams
Stay Beautiful.
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Burn The Test hahaha

Hey everyone!!!

So I've been really upset these past few days and I have been trying to put on a good face and act like everything is okay but really I'm dying on the inside and I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me. I mean, I'm not fighting with my best friend, in fact things between the two of us have been really great. I'm on good terms with my friends, which is a rare thing for me since I'm generally a disagreeable person. I have a great boyfriend who bought me Taco Bell (my favorite fast food) this morning and has been sharing his cigarettes with me since I haven't been able to buy them for myself after I ran out. I'm talking to my parents like we are all adults and without raising my voice which is the most incredible thing and the most rare of all things in my life. I just. I don't know, I mean, could I just be anxious that this is the calm before the storm? Am I jumping the gun a little? I mean, I can't really think of a time where life has been much better than it is right now. I want to be okay and enjoy the quiet that has become my life, but I just can't help but want to scream and kick and cry because I'm not happy. I don't know what the hell my problem is, but I can't seem to just be happy. Yesterday I actually did break down. I'm not sure how it happened, but one moment I was sitting in my room working on simple math problems the next minuet I'm hugging my pillow and trying to muffle my sobs so my dad doesn't hear them. That's not normal.

Yeah so I think there is something wrong with me, maybe I'm just mental haha that would explain a lot ^-^ I've been listening to this song on repeat almost nonstop the last few days, that might have something to do with my depression as well...
Click Here to Hear the Song I have Been Obsessing Over

Anyway, So I took a test in Math on Monday and got the result on Wednesday. I got the only 100% in the class and the first thing I did after leaving class was head off to the smokers tables to have a celebratory burning of the scantron XD I set it on fire and placed it in the ashtray while my friends and I all watched it burn. That truly was a happy moment for me, one of the highlights from my week :)

Well, I'm going to head out now, do something productive with my life.
Time to work out until I can't move lol
Stay Beautiful
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