Frozen.

Today I froze. I stopped and took time to think through my life. I tried to imagin my life without certian people. I tried to imagine my life if I let others back in. I froze.
"Somebody asked me if I knew you. A million memories flashed through my mind but I just smiled and said I used to."

Less than a handful of you who are reading this will understand exactly what I mean when I say that a lot of people have left my life, and will not be returning. I'm not just talking about death, though I have lost many like that, no, I am saying people walked out of my life, and if they didn't walk out of my life then I walked out of theirs. Well, today I really thought about what my life would be like now if I hadn't let those people walk away, if I hadn't walked out on them, if I had never lot anyone.
I bet you are thinking "That sounds wonderful, to keep everyone in your life, never lose those friends who are closest to you!" but no. I walked out on one of my closest friends because I realized that she was pulling me towards a dangerous path. A path that I knew I would never be able to escape..a path I had already started walking side by side with her. Now, not even my best friend knows this, I never had the heart to tell her that I walked away from my previous best friend. The girl I loved so dearly..You see, my current best friend already believes that we are not going to last, she is waiting for us to drift apart. She blogged about it, texted me about it, she doesn't cry over it anymore, we don't really fight over it anymore, I just let her think what she wants to and hope that I can stick around without hurting her more than I already have. I could never tell her that I walked out on that girl I was close to. Let's call her Taylor. Now, Taylor hadn't been my best friend for very long, but she and I had this bond, and I was in love with everything about her the moment we first met. I didn't befriend her that first meeting, but a few years into our friendship, something happened. We shared a common loss, one of our dearest and closeest friends (my best friend at the time) had passed away in a crash. That was when Taylor and I got closer, she wasn't just a super close friend anymore, I realized that we had been best friends without ever labeling it. I seperaated myself from everyone except for her. I dated guys and when I found myself in a specific relationship about a month after our loss and Taylor was completely against. When I met him, I started leaving her, he was showing me everything that she was doing to me. I drank a lot with her, smoked a lot, cussed a lot..She was getting into drugs more and more, there was a lot of illegal activity that I hadn't been aware of. He was like my angel showing me the darkness she was trying to keep hidden from me. I started leaving her, but I was having difficulty staying away. Finially one night he and I went to a party, she was there..she had changed so much, it had been a while since I had last seen her, and now she looked..she looked broken. We fought, yelled, screamed, it was horrible. I told her that I hated her, I don't hate her, not now, I have so many fond memories with her, but those are memories and nothing more. I walked out of her life that night, I replay that night over and over, torturing myself with it, but I finally understand what truely happened.
"Just because we aren't close anymore doesn't mean I don't I don't care about you."
The point of all this is that I can't take back my past, I can't undo what has been done. There is no going back in time, there is no changing where you have been. We can only move on, go forward and understand that sometimes people leave, sometimes people die, sometimes we have to walk away from someone we love so much that it kills us to leave, but we have to make these choices, the hard choices. Sometimes, we just have to do things on our own. No looking back. I have accepted my life for what it is, I made a number of small stupid choices that entirely changed my life. I know that now, I am accepting that.
"Don't judge me for my past, I don't live there anymore."

So I froze. I think too much sometimes and it can change my entire mood. I thought some more about the different guys I have dated. My type of guy has always been Older. If a guy was older tha me, he was okay to date. Looking back, that hasn't exactly been the greatest kind of guy to be interested in. I ended up being abused in every way imaginable, mentally, verbally, physically, emotionally; I was cheated on; I was cheated with, some of those guys were married!! The nerve of! Well..anyway. hinking back on my life, I don't mind it all. I learned so much through those guys, I put up walls, yes, but I also learned to take down those walls sometimes. I learned that life is like an adventure, and that I deserve better than what I got. Now I have a great guy, and I don't deserve him, but I am so happy he sticks around anyway.
"The more boys I meet the more I realize that you are the one I want to be with."

I froze. I thought about everything. College. High School. Family. Friends. Money. Finances. Food. Jobs. Everything. It is difficult to consider where I am going and where my life is headed, but I know where I have come from and I know where I stand. I have plently of friends. Best friend. Boyfriend. Past friends. Good friends. Hyper friends. Not so friendly friends. Frienemies. Passed friends.
"I still remember the first day I met you."

I figured I would leave you guys now with this one last quote, it really is a good one. I have plently of scars so it seems fitting. I will blog again soon, hopefully. Anyways I hope you enjoyed this post, it was a pain to write and I had to stop a million times because my family needed me. Later!!
"Don't let past relationships ruin your future happiness, scars  remind us of where we've been, not where we are going."